Wow. I am ashamed to say that J and I just watched Surrogates (starring Bruce Willis). And let me tell you: it was bad. Not even bad-but-fun-to-watch bad, or bad-but-its-great-as-a-movie-to-make-fun-of bad. Just BAD.

But even in bad movies, there are lessons to be learned!

Here’s what you can learn from Surrogates.

  1. If you’re going to spend your life strapped into a chair and living vicariously through a robot “surrogate,” get him/her better hair. I know you’re bald, Bruce Willis, but that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t dream of having hair—even good hair—to put on your “surry” (no, not being facetious, that’s actually what the people called them). Instead, Bruce, you’ve chosen to let your surrogate to run around Boston wearing a wig that looks like a plant sprouting from the middle of your scalp. (See below.) Shoot higher.
  2. If you’re writing a screenplay/novel/any other piece of fiction about robots and humans, please, by God, do not decide to have your robot characters call your human characters “meat bags.” It’s just gross.
  3. Finally, if you’re going to lead a revolution against the machines, and your name is not John Connor, try to avoid calling yourself “The Prophet.” It’s pretentious and purely ridiculous when you’re already wearing hippie clothes and preaching like Charles Manson about the impending robot-human Helter Skelter. And avoid making Ving Rames in dreadlocks your avatar—he’s intimidating enough as it is.

Finally, a note to the writers:

Do you really think that crime is going to go down in a world where are the humans are strapped into chairs all day, weigh three hundred pounds, and have terrible, gruesome acne, but get to live their lives without consequence through surrogate people who can do anything they want as long as their batteries have been charged the night before?

Think carefully…